lets start to correct some of the terrible wrongs

The final assault April 2011

I was anxious about the 11th April 2011,Doris and I had finally agreed a day and time for me to retrieve my last belongings from the loft, and of course it was a day I had Harry for contact,a monday during school holidays,I had Harry from 10-5,and she wanted me to remove my bits at 2pm.Smack bang in the middle of the day which meant I couldnt plan much for us to do,but we easily filled it as we always did,first some fun on the X-Box whilst Jane slept upstairs and eventually a war with his soldiers and his planes and tanks,we spread them all over the garden,in opposing sides,allies v axis,which included a few Transformer chess pieces naturally.\par We had enjoyed many hours playing with soldiers as indeed I had when I was 7-11 years old,the idea was to lay out our forces strategically\par and bomb the opposition with my soft earplugs from work,because usually we played in my room and they were harmless,in the garden however and with more room and Harrys entire Toy storey box of soldiers at my disposal,we had heavy artillary in the form of bowling balls!\par As it was a balmy sunny day, I had put up a protective parasol over us,so Harry didnt get too hot,and of course,as we always did, hid a few paras on top so,when my forces looked finished,they could jump in and help,which made him smile with suprise,it was one of many very special close moments we shared during our contact,just father and son mucking about,and my god I miss him and them terribly.\par I had asked Harry a few days earlier lightheartedly if he would mind helping me move my bits and he was keen to help,I explained he didnt have to as it was his time, and he could have stayed with Jane and played his games if he preferred,but he wanted to,and I was relieved,surely his Mum wouldnt be too awkward if he was there.\par We got there a few minuetes early and chatted and hugged whilst we waited,I noticed Doris and her girlfriend Jules leaving another friends house,a troubled local policewoman pal I had nicknamed Malfoy,they seemed as usual as thick as thieves and as it would transpire plotting.\par I was greeted with instructions to get on with it,and she was going to call my solicitor to agree this was the final visit to get my belongings, I explained calmly and quietly that my solicitor was on holiday,and it was still my house until she agreed completion of transfer,she insisted and was becoming irate,I asked her calmly not to show off in front of Harry,and that she couldn`t tell me what to do anymore,and proceeded to the loft to see if anything was still there.\par Thankfully it still was,including a scribbled note from Molly,saying,” to the shittiest dad in the world.” She clearly was still hurting but would never speak to me or answer any calls, notes or letters or eventually my facebook request.\par Harry was very helpful and quite jovial ,really  taking it all in his stride,that made me more reassured,that he could see a future life for all of us. That I believe made Doris more angry,our son could accept the situation,but she clearly still was beyond angry.\par With various stereo bits and sky boxes secured,home made dvds secured,and a few more clothes,I packed the van and we made our retreat back to my landlords, Nelsons around the corner. I was overwhelmed with relief there had been no real scene,I was calm,she had tried to provoke me,I had resisted,and most important of all Harry was quite happy dressing up in my fancy dress police and soldiers uniforms I had accumulated from various tv shows over the years. We said we would tidy some bits away,some in the loft and Janes car,and then Harry wanted to play cops and soldiers,I was overjoyed he had taken it so well,and so relieved my final bits were out of the house .\par I shall always remember coming down the stairs smiling at Harry playing his xbox,then saying outloud to myself as I saw through the window,”oh no,whats wrong now?” Doris was leaning over and aggressively remonstrating with Jane outside by her car as she had been tidying room for some possesions. I was frozen for a split second,but checking Harry was ok , I quickly stepped out of the front door eager to get between Doris and Jane,and I what I could hear was that common bullying whine and tone,I had often heard for myself from Doris trying to provoke.\par I nearly tripped over the five bags of rubbish she and her cohort Jules had discarded in Nelsons front garden,”This is your shit,” she had said as she was putting another one down. \par Ok I thought if this is your last hoorah,your last angry point,made clumisly and like a clich`ed wronged woman,then fine,and im flattered you believed Im worth it,but im afraid she had bigger and better plans,that spirralled out of control,she was determined to provoke,and didnt care who heard it or saw it,and all the time Harry was oblivious thankfully zoned into his game,whilst his mother pursued Jane and myself in a vicious rant.\par I had quickly got between them calmly,saying that is enough of your aggressive and provoking chat Doris,Jane was clearly shocked,and a little scared,she had been bullied at school because she was small,and now clearly felt threatened again,Jane later explained,that Doris had just sprung at her with,”And you,! how dare you smoke in a car,with Harry there,” Jane apologised saying that it had happened once on a long journey,and was sorry,and it would`nt happen again,Doris continued,”say sorry louder,I cant hear you!” this was clearly a women on the edge, she continued, “You silly girl,just you watch your back,just you watch your back, I have taken Molly away,and I will take Harry too!”\par Jane alarmed and concerned asked,” Have you told ,Chris this?,” Still Doris ranted getting louder,” You silly girl,!” “look at the state of you both,with your black teeth, dyed hair ,” I was now telling Jane to try get indoors please, but Doris had blocked our path,with her arms outstretched across the gate posts .\par “And look at the state of you,! “she continued,”you have lost so much weight! You are dirty and unshaven,like a couple of tramps, !”\par I had, as I explained,been in both lofts,was naturally a little mucky,and also naturally,hadnt bothered showering,the intention being,to do the dirty jobs first. I was amazed she cared what I had looked like,but like a playground bully,that Jane and I had both expirenced,she was after a reaction.\par It only occured to me later in the day,she may have been drunk,her friend had driven to nelsons,and earlier whilst Harry and I had been waiting by her door,I noticed the glass recycling box lid was unable to close with volume,suprised I lifted the lid ,and to my shock I noticed various bottles of vodka and other alcohol,about at least ten were vodka,bearing in mind she had never drunk much,that was heavy going for a two week cycle of council collection,but I guess she may have a party,her pals drank plenty, but this day her behavior was very shocking and to be fair out of character.\par Clearly she was not going to go quitely,her voice raising with abuse.\par For days and weeks and months after,I wish I had rushed out with my phone camera activated so I could have recorded her abuse,or picked up my video camera from upstairs that recorded occasionally because our cars had been vandalised by her friends, but in my haste to try save Jane from attack,and protect Harry from seeing his mum like this,I rushed calmly into the storm of anger she had and tried to diffuse it.\par We listened to the abuse for about five long minuetes,our next door neighbor phyllis was watering her assimum throughout,and the other sides curtains were beginning to twitch with interest to the noise,and over the road also had noticed her noisy commotion,so with her friend emptying a last black sack onto Nelsons front lawn,I asked if we could go in now,and back to Hary,still playing obliviously a window away,it did worry me he may be traumatised seeing his mum like this . \par She wasnt going to budge,still blocking our exit back,with her arms outstretched,we could have tried vaulting the small wall,but she may have retreated back to the front door,where Harry no doubt would have been concerned,so I took Doris` waist in my hands and tried moving her clear of the gateway,she struggled a little,but I am four stone heavier so it wasnt difficult for me,now the exit was clear I implored Jane to go through it and back in doors,but as we had both found with bullies ,it is best not to beat a hasty retreat,bullies love weakness,an although she got to the doorway,she waited,as with momentum Doris was moving towards her friends car,I turned again to Jane pleading for her to go in,as my head was turned,so did Doris with a swift left hook clenched punch stright to my nose.\par momentarily stunned and shocked,I pushed her away,and shook my head,looking around I noticed my neighbor still there,at the same time the tell tale warm trickle indicated to me I was bleeding from my nose,I said to Doris,”you have done it now,you fool,”\par I asked,Phyillis if she had seen that,she motioned to go in,saying “I dont want to get involved,” Doris laughed and repeated,” she dont want to get involved.!”\par After this and worrying for Harry;myself and Jane backed towards our front door,Doris warned,further to Jane to stay away from Harry, Jane calmly,and lovingly replied that she thought the world of Harry, and Doris screamed “well he`s not yours!, and everybody knows you cant have Kids!”    We were stunned she could be so cruel,and could only whisper ,”nice,thanks,” with this,Doris slapped both thighs and threw her head back laughing hysterically.\par Jane has serious endometriosis,furring of the womb,with scar tissue,making pregnancy very unlikely,I had mentioned this to my mum,and she must have told Doris,I struggled to believe she could stoop so low,one woman to another,Doris revelled in Janes miss fortune, and it shocked me to the core,I didnt know this ex of fifteen years anymore.}

seperating

I didnt know how to begin to tell my wife I wanted a seperation and had put it off on many occasions,to try explain all was not well.
I could not believe she had`nt guessed something was wrong,my behavior was becoming more and more erratic and I frequently went off for showers,as it was only place I felt able to really cry tears of genuine sorrow,I knew nothing could be same again.\par
She had fainted a few months earlier at our local sports club,in the shower whilst with Molly in the public area,I was in the pool with Harry when Molly let out a scarey scream, and she backed out of the showers in a panic when her mum staggered out behind her and fell in a heap on the hard tiled floor. I dont know why but my first reaction was Doris  had been attacked and had fallen,I quickly checked Harry was in his depth and demanded he get out of the pool,and within three large bounds I had reached the side of the pool,jumped out in one movement,and slid onto my knees quickly to support her head and check her status,my first aid training may come in usefull,with my last movements I had realised when I left her in the steam room,she had probably just stayed in their too long  and with a hot shower more likely just fainted, I had her head on its side and tapped her cheek and appealed to her to awake ,she opened her eyes slowly and couldnt remember fainting, we checked she had just a few bruises and bumps,sore foot from when she crumpled,and noticed my knee was bleeding from my quick slide to her side.\par
We decided an ambulance was not needed but were all shocked that it had happened and worried also that there may be a more deep seated reason for her collapse. Brain cancer or multiple scerosis were considered and her dad paid for a private consultation for some more tests. Results suggested there may be various reasons and were ongoing when I decided that one reason may be that she deep down knew what had been happening to me.\par
One afternoon I blurted out that we had a problem,that I had been with a few girls and my head was so messed up and I needed some space to consider our future.\par
She was in complete shock its fair to say,and said she didnt want me to leave ,but to try and sort things out. And so for the next weeks slowly more detail began to trickle out and she began to harden. Because I had stored up in my head all these problems,and hadnt taken the abortion so well it felt such a relief and I was keen to try and clear my conscience. A few days after the initial revelation,I explained that one of my deep concerns about us had been a few occasions in the past when I had seriously thought that she was having her own affairs and we talked about these,she did admit a liason that I had caught her out about whilst Molly was only six months old,I had checked her phone and messages and realised she wasnt just modelling for a sports wear photographer,but was meeting him too. She admited to a few cuddles with him but nothing serious,I however didnt pursue it at the time because Molly was so young and needed us both,but the truth is ,it had always troubled me and I couldnt believe she would jepordise our family so soon after getting one. There was another guy she had worked with that always made me feel cold and mentioned him often,how he had so many jobs and a lovely villa in the sun,she admitted too there had been a xmas kiss but nothing more,but still I felt uneasy,and now with another baby Harry felt trapped that I couldnt leave with such young chidren.\par
I didnt really believe her excuses and always held them against her,here was my dream bride ,and I had felt betrayed and exposed with such a young family,I vowed though immaturley,to even the score one day,and now was that day.\par
To my suprise even a week after telling her I had seeked the comfort of a few girls,Doris still thought I was only talking about a kiss here and there after a gig,I explained that no,I was talking about sex. She was upset and angry and against my wishes confided in her mum, that too I knew was a nail in the coffin for me,and the noose was tightening around my neck.\par
For me always when I had thoughts of her indiscretions,the kids would distract me when they were little and I try to get on with life,but clearly I could not forget or forgive them.}

contact order and solicitors

 

When my daughter Molly was becoming slightly tempremental regards the situation,which was to be expected considering what she knew and had heard,it was becoming clear to me that her mother was not being very helpful or encouraging the children to visit me. I decided to go to the local county court and apply for a contact order for the children,it cost £180 and was very worthwhile and well spent.

 

Having researched some similiar cases on the internet,I decided to represent myself in court,because although Molly was at a vunerable age, my ex would have to prove I was a difficult character with a questionable history to deny me good access to Harry. I tried to ask for as much access as possible,even more than was practical really,but having learnt the art of negotiation at numerous trades union courses,I expected to lose a little ground,however I did very well regards Harry getting consent for everything requested,and extra mondays every school holiday and bank holiday. I had wrongly assumed the holidays to be only the summer ones,but now the agreed court order included every monday he was off school,with teacher training,bank holidays,and half terms,I reckoned that to be an extra seven days at least.

 

I was overjoyed I could be a dad again with days out and lazy days and lots of fun,because I didnt work until monday night,it was a very satisfactory bonus.

 

During the hearings in court,it was clear his mum was putting a negative spin on things,by Harry telling me tearfully,by using the courts I was going to see him less than at present,I explained to him calmly that was not true,I was trying to see him more. And at the conclusion,he told me gleefully,I was going to have him four times most weeks,I had a quiet tear ,but knew it had been by so worthwhile to see his face and he knew truthfully,I wanted him more,thats all any kid wants isnt it,it had been painful but a huge stride in securing our contact for the time being.

foreward

 

Being a seperated father is no fun. Lets make that perfectly clear. If you are tempted to stray,peek over the garden fence to see if the grass is greener,are tired bored or just kinky,let me tell you,having spoke to lots of seperated people,and now having expirenced it myself,I cannot think of one person who would reccomend or endorse it.

 

However often events overtake us and people deal with it in different ways. mine is a true life account of my seperation.Others have had it easier and far worse,just reseach it on the internet. Names have been changed of course,but unfortunatley the facts have not,this is what happened.

 

The law is this country England with a proud justice system in 2011 is wrongly weighted in the mothers favour and needs to be given some serious consideration. Scandanavia and the USA have more workable solutions that are fairer and we need to catch up here. Its nothing short of a scandal and this storey needs telling.

 

Recently Sun colomnist Jane Moore was overwhelmed with a postbag of similiar stories of hardship,its like a terrible disease the country is ignorant of or too embarassed to do anything about. But really its the holy innocent children who suffer equally and for their sakes ,they need saving.

DEVILS GATES

simon parkes conversations with Jesus of Nazareth,published by white crow books

When Billy died and was unjustly sent to hell,several local residents signed a petition for his release. They delivered the document to the appropriate authorities,but it had no effect. No one was very interested in their petition.so they hurried home,and the matter was dropped,apart from anything else,it was very hot down there.
But with an election approching,the local mp also took up the cause,
” I think you should let him out!” he shouted through a megaphone,while standing as near as he could get to hells gates,but no one seemed to take any notice ,neither hell,voters nor the press,so he too hurried home.
apart from anything else ,it was very hot down there.
So billys dad decided to go himself,he didnt sign anything,or shout through a megaphone.
He just burnt his hands opening the gates,scalded his face stepping inside,and sweated blood carrying young Billy home.
Love enters the hell of others,as opposed to posturing on the sidelines.

My daughter Molly

Molly as a teenager,I understand,is at a difficult age. Beginning menstration and becoming a young lady, she particularly needs her mother at this time.
We have always been very close,mostly because our characters are quite similiar and our traits too. I was very keen for her to follow god and the catholic faith because I have always found it helpful,and her likewise slightly scatty demeanor,easily bored and led into temptation because of  our impulsive nature,her brother and mother seemed to consider consequences more and so were more sensible normally.\par
This  whole sorry episode of my divorce was noticed first by her,she sensed my troubled nature and tendancy to secrecy,and tried to alert her mum jokingly during a holiday in turkey. The truth is peckham girl was going to have an abortion during our family holiday and I was naturally concerned for her safety,and that of the foetus. We exchanged frequent calls and Molly was suspicious,and said to her mum I was making secret calls,which her mum and I denied,we  told her not to be a malicious gossip,I still at that stage had maybe hoped to salvage my marriage and family life,and because of the stress of the situation,I was trying to not hurt anymore than obviously I had. I vowed to be more careful and was.
After I had told her mum the truth a few months later ,and we were discussing some more detail in slightly raised voices at home,Molly had come to the top of the stairs,and had heard all the gorey details unintentially. This was all a terrible shock to her and her recent sex education at school hadnt prepared her for this development,I caught her crying and we tried to reassure her we would try to work it out. Her stable home life was crumbling around her and she felt it hard,something I deeply regret,she also blamed herself for not mentioning it earlier,and became quite withdrawn,and it didnt help I found her long face irritating and told her so,” If you cant be cheerful,dont bother visiting me,” A heartless thing to say,and something I have tried to apologise for countless times. I of course didnt mean it literally,I was trying to pull her out of her sadness too forcibly,I had always been more strict with Molly as you often are with the firstborn,and usually had more success with this tactic,but clearly nothing had prepared her for this outcome and she was struggling,that her supposed hero father,had been less than heroic.
She often through her childhood,had said to me,”you are the best Dad in the world,always here when we need you and always available for for school events,” I used to counter truthfully that i wasnt perfect by any stretch.But had always tried my best and tried to always have them at the forefront of my decisions. But now I had been a little selfish in my fantasy affairs and she now knew her dad wasnt the man she thought she knew and rebelled against me quite natually.

A few bits of bad behavior spring to mind,of which she is probably embarrased about now,but do reveal her level of anxiety regards the whole  situation.

I remember being quite shocked when I dropped Harry off after a visit and she,quite coyly but obviously,gave me the bird,or the middle finger.

I text her that it was quite rude and her mother also,she text later to apologise,and explain that she had seen it at school,and had just copied it,and that her mum had grounded her for a while,tho in truth I doubted that.

Another occasion was when I text to explain I had seen and spoke to her teachers,to keep informed as to her progress and subject choices and general behavior and attendance. She seemed furious with this and swore at me in text to keep out of her school.

I didnt really understand why she would object to me showing an interest in her schooling,but I suspect she was more concerned I would know of any bad behavior,it was not a great school clearly,ofsted had reported it and wholesale changes were happening,but as my own schooling had been disrupted in similiar circumstances,I wanted her to know I cared and was interested.

I joked with her that I enjoyed our  texts when she would argue with me and swear,and in truth I did,any contact was better than none clearly. But her final and most hurtful one was a time after xmas.As part of their presents,I had collated some pictures I had and put them in seperate albums of their childhood,with some notes written next to them,featuring all of the family and grandparents, just general stuff,like always look after your brother please,and always love you,etc,There was one picture of the four of us,at Harrys 3rd birthday,she had taken the trouble to cut my head out,take a picture of it and say,this picture is better! and send it to me,this was shocking and very upsetting and I cried   and was shaking,I was beginning to understand how totally upset she was and angry,and her mother was clearly encouraging that.

She hasnt spoken to me since except to say she hates me. As a teenager,most daughters do I guess, my lovely talented and beautiful young first born,was as bitter as her mum,and could not see as yet a way pass that,and clearly her mum was showing no guidance or encouraging any reconcilliation.

chapter one, peckham girl

Although she came from the south london area of peckham,and was living  in a small seaside town,one of her many pet names was Peckham , this really was because of her general demeanor and quite unique to me toughness.

As anybody who has met a tough south london girl,my initial reaction was she was a bit of a nutter,but in a dont mess with me way, not overly aggressive,in fact very tender and deep feeling,and to be truthful the most beautiful smile during lovemaking I have ever seen.

she truly seemed to enjoy the closeness we had,it didnt seem sordid,it seemed like a fantasy we were both acting out. I did call her my fantasy girl and I think she enjoyed the strange life I lived with gigs and nightwork in the print,and the fact I was married,meant to us,certainly at the start,that there was no future,just fun us time.

She of course was not the first affair,in fact she most definately was going to be the last,I`d grown tired of the lies and deceipt,and was finding it increasingly undignified at my advancing age. I was beginning to understand why affairs were happening,the repeated patterns and my justification for them.

However she was over ten years younger and very sexy,with a wealth of expirence I found very alluring. Although having lived less in years she for sure had expirenced a lot more in life,had reconciled most of it and probably the most intelligent person I had met. Not in an accademic way, but her often lightening fast reaction to situations and circumstances were immence in their accuracy and speed,and I grew to be in awe of her and often asked advice.

It was only an affair of a few months,but seemed longer in its intensity.

There was a strange occasion when we were leaving a hotel room when I noticed a pretty scene nearby of a ramshackle hut and flowers that I had previously photographed ten years before,I felt a strange sense of occasion and almost foreboding.

And so it was we worked out after,the day she fell pregnant we think,completley by accident of course and despite precautions.

There were other odd indicators,she had become quite affectionate and attentive, unusual for such a peckham girl,and I too had responded the same. Another odd day I remember was when I was busy at work in the print and our texts were sparking back and forward in our usual good humour,but it was getting late and I`d assumed she`d gone to sleep and began to learn a song I`d heard ,”This guys in love with you,” by Burt Bacharach,revealing my increasing vunerable state. When she text upset,and angry that I hadn`t replied for an hour and worried that did I not care for her anymore? Revealing her vunerability also, I explained,on the contrary,I`d been learning a soppy song for her! She looked it up on Youtube,and said she didnt understand the song,and laughably,Peckham girl was back!

We didnt know then she was pregnant,in fact she declined to tell me some days after she knew,preferring in shock and horror to continually drown her sorrows. She had her own children from her a previous relationship and really didnt want any more.

The day she told me,was a prearranged meet,and I too was stunned and disbelieving,”was it mine”,” how could it be”, “do you want it?” I asked. She wasnt sure at this time,needed to consider it,and I musnt rush her ,one way or another, I was told.

I explained as a catholic I didnt agree with abortion,believing all life was sacred,but would try support any decision she made.

It was clear we needed time to let the information sink in,we drunk two bottles of wine and made love three times,we were distraught.

introduction about me

I am a city and guilds qualified printer in a dwindling industry of computer driven developments and solutions ,making the job both easier and harder. I am also and perhaps more interestingly a club singer,having sung for 10 years in a lounge ratpack style. with reputable agents and returning clients. Some notible venues have included,Landmark and Selfridges hotels,Goodwood house and Epsom and Sandown race courses, and Caf`e royal.

Im in my mid forties,and religious to the extent im a baptised catholic, and believe in god. For me its a no brainer, When I look at the beauty of the world,and peoples inherent kindness,and the wisdom and insight of children,I cannot believe that it is just coincidence or evoloution.

Those answers dont for me get close to reality,but more about me and God later.

Its hard to summerise who we are in a few words , but for me I like to think of myself as a father first,only now because of circumstance I dont get to that at present,but as any parent knows,my children are every day my first thought in the morning and last thing at night since they were born.

Molly was 22 hours in delivery,and I had the honour of cutting her embilical cord,to in my mind release her into the world.

Harry was 2 hours in delivery,and can thank my prompt actions in the delivery room,alerting the midwife to his heart rate monitor rate dropping and the midwife cutting his cord whilst still in his mother,and so to this day proudly bearing a scar on the back of his head.

I am immensely proud of my offspring,their intelligence and strenth in these difficult times,maintaining good school reports throughout. And their incredible talent for performing and closeness we all held so dear once and will again hopefully.

Molly is 13 years old and Harry ten.

our father who art in hell, ( my first book on the problems fathers face in england to see their kids)

Being a seperated father is no fun. Lets make that perfectly clear. If you are tempted to stray,peek over the garden fence to see if the grass is greener,are tired bored or just kinky,let me tell you,having spoke to lots of seperated people,and now having expirenced it myself,I cannot think of one person who would reccomend or endorse it.
However often events overtake us and people deal with it in different ways. mine is a true life account of my seperation.Others have had it easier and far worse,just reseach it on the internet. Names have been changed of course,but unfortunatley the facts have not,this is what happened.
The law is this country England with a proud justice system in 2011 is wrongly weighted in the mothers favour and needs to be given some serious consideration. Scandanavia and the USA have more workable solutions that are fairer and we need to catch up here. Its nothing short of a scandal and this storey needs telling.
Recently Sun colomnist Jane Moore was overwhelmed with a postbag of similiar stories of hardship,its like a terrible disease the country is ignorant of or too embarassed to do anything about. But really its the holy innocent children who suffer equally and for their sakes ,they need saving.